the luxury of self-doubt

For me, personally, I've found my speed of creation has altered drastically since Robert's passing. During the days of his illness, the desperate financial needs were incredible motivators. Necessity became a strange creative impetus, the muses constantly sang and when they could not they hummed until it became a song. And while the songs were perhaps not the inspirational hymn preferred, I got used to the background music.

But now, without the pressure, my muses have become tempermental. Sometimes the inspiration flashes, but, now as I attempt to write the YEAR OF THE TIGER more often than not I find myself simply pegging away. I have never been a writer whose characters speak to them (like my friend Justina Chen Headley ) but I have never before felt the true exhaustion of writing. During the final writing stages of WHERE THE MOUNTAIN MEETS THE MOON the focus I had taken for granted seemed to disperse into the wind and for the first time I found myself questioning my ability to continue. Will I be able to write this? Can I do it?

And, I realize that self-doubt is a luxury that I have not had in a long time. It is a strange relishment, this allowance of the idea of failure. It is oddly refreshing.
That is, as long as it remains an idea. I hope the actual realization of failure is unnecessary!

in progress

o I have been hard at work the interior illustrations of my new novel "Where the Mountain meets the Moon." It's a Chinese folktale-inspired fantasy, so I want the art to have an Asian traditional feel. But the novel is not a classic retelling or historical story, so I want the illustrations to traditionally inspired, but not reproductions.

The chapter headers are drawn in the style of chinese papercuts. There is still no word on whether interior will be color (cross your fingers!) but if it is these will be red on white:

And, if color does get approved (double-cross your fingers!) there will be 9 full page color interiors. I chose 9 because it is a Chinese lucky number symbolizing forever/everlasting---and I want this book to everlasting for the readers as well as in print forever! I have been looking at cloisonne and the art on Chinese vases and dinnerware as inspiration for these pieces:


Only about 20 more chapter headers and 1 more full page interior to go. Then I get to paint, hopefully (triple cross your fingers for the color interior!).

fait accompli

It's been a long road, or least it has felt like it, of my bathroom looking like this:

But now, it looks like this!


Yippeee! I am especially happy with my new shower curtain (which is ironically the least expensive transforming item).

generation

My older sister Lissy, on her 5th birthday:
Her daughter, Lily, on her 5th birthday:

hoping for happily ever after

So instead of working diligently on the illustrations for my new novel, I am in Upstate NY making pink princess cupcakes:
for my niece's birthday party:
I had slight twinges of guilt leaving my studio as I do NEED to get this book done but my niece only turns five once and, honestly, I couldn't take the bathroom renovation anymore. There is only so long I can stand stand the dust, loud noises, and looking at this:


But before I fled, I did do this:
The gold paint is not reproducing well in the photo, but I think the cover might be done. I'm not sure, I'm letting it sit and when I come back I'll decide if it's finished. If I'm lucky, when I get back the bathroom will decide it's finished as well.

five-year old wisdom

Niece: Why is there a rainbow?
Me: When the sun is shining and it rains, sometimes it makes a rainbow.
Niece: So there's a rainbow when the sky is crying because it's happy.

no excuses

There are more times than I like to admit that I look at my past work with twinges of regret. While flaws due to talent, or rather lack of, are disheartening they are in a way more acceptable than the ones that cause me to shake my head. "If I had only been less distracted, had more time," I think to myself, "that book would've have been so much better."

And those are laments I refuse to have about my next book. At New Year's, one of my resolutions was to make my new novel the best work I've ever done.

So I am doing my best to sway the scale in my desired direction. I'm pulling out all the stops for this book, from the writing to the cover (which I am now working on, photo), I am taking pains as I have never been able to before. If time, focus, passion (and possibly production values--crossing my fingers for some really great features, including color illos on the inside) can do it, my book should be an object of person pride--something that epitomizes the best I could possibly do. Or at least something that doesn’t make me cringe.